Enduring this past year since my father died.
Those of you who know me well understand I have a pretty dark sense of humor, particularly when it comes to my mother (and of course more recently, my father), as both have passed away now. I think everyone by now recognizes that for what it is, a mask of sorts, a shot of anesthesia, to help numb the pain of the consistent realization that the two people who loved me most in my whole life, and would always be there for me no matter what, are gone now.
In one sense, I’m completely on my own. Everything I do, everything I am, it’s all on me. There’s no safety net anymore, if I falter or fail, game over, man. They probably call that “growing up.”
In another, however, I’ve learned how that’s not entirely, or perhaps even partially true. I wrote one year ago in what eventually became my father’s eulogy about luck, how even in one of my darkest hours, so many people came to my aid to help me get through such a time.
About this time last year, I left my hometown, probably for good. I’d essentially been evacuated by some of my closest friends and, for lack of a better term, taken in. In terms of my emotional state, I was a wreck. I wasn’t eating well, if at all sometimes. I hadn’t slept much, the house felt too empty, too quiet, like the sounds of the TV in the other room were missing. I barely left the house at all, I was too busy trying to pretend life would go on the way it had, but it never could, ever again.
When I first moved in, I thought I could keep up streaming, but I couldn’t. It snowballed into an endless spiral of paranoia and thought paralysis; that my depressed state would cause me to have bad streams and that bad streams would only produce a further negative feedback loop which would deter me from further streaming. Over time, it’s gotten modestly better, but not terribly, as I find myself struggling to just take a step forward and get back to work on that front.
In the meantime, I’ve kept myself busy with other affairs, trying to be outdoors more, taking up work elsewhere, writing here (sometimes), and essentially trying to get back on my feet. It’s not been a swift process by any means, life doesn’t afford such luxuries often, but I’m trying to do better in various aspects of my life.
On the flip side, I’m trying to focus more on all the positives of the past year. While my passion for streaming is also my greatest struggle, family and friends have provided me with great strength, and allowed me to share in their joy and lives to help me remember the most important lesson of this life, you are not alone. I am not alone. I’ve been to New York City tons of times (mostly to visit Char), down to Tampa three times, two of those times to visit Disneyworld (which is starting to grow on me, begrudgingly), and even managed to squeeze in a trip to my beloved Seattle. The most important trip I took, easily, was out to South Dakota to see my sister get married. A connection to family I sorely needed over the past year, it meant so much to me to be welcomed and included by those related by blood, though I never grew up knowing.
GuardianCon was so integral to my slow road to recovery as well. Being afforded the opportunity by Kevin, Ben, Alex, and Cory to entertain and interview people at the convention was one of the greatest challenges and honors of my life, made all the more poignant and unique by the fact that it came as a complete surprise. Getting in front of that camera in front of thousands, being able to talk to some of the coolest people (and dogs), and meeting so many genuinely kind and giving souls helped me to find value in myself, to remind me that I can do this… if I put myself out there. Unfortunately, then I forget that and spiral, so. It’s hit or miss. I hope to be allowed to come back and do all of that and more this year, however. I have a lot of ideas that I hope to share with everyone.
As 2017 comes to a close, a year that seems to have been an endless struggle for a lot of us will finally end. I finally almost feel at a place where I can breathe again, think about more than what fresh hell tomorrow will bring. It hasn’t been easy, and I have a lot of work to do, but I think I’m ready to take on the world, step out into the light, and be the best me that my parents would have wanted me to be. Well, at least my mom. My father never really understood video games.
I’ll leave you guys with some pictures from this past year. I hope they’ll bring some smiles to your faces. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and see you in the coming year. You’re gonna get sick of seeing so much of me.
-Mitsu
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